January 1, 2020. I was on top of the world. I was just leaving Marathon Key Florida after an amazing vacation with my boyfriend. We had such a great time touring, swimming, shopping, and just enjoying every sunny warm day we had. Little did we know that it would be our last vacation for over a year. March 5th, Chris came home from work with “supplies”. He received word from his friends family member who is a higher ranking military official saying that “lock down” is coming in the next couple days. Fast forward to March 13, 2020. The day my life would change and I had no control over it. So, I already suffer from chronic anxiety. Its been something in my life that I’ve been trying so hard to get under control without medication. That day in March when Michigan, among many other states, went into complete lockdown as the coronavirus (covid-19) took over the world as we once knew it. The moment we went into lockdown I was scared to death. No one had any answers to the virus, and we were told by the state and federal government to shelter in place and do not go out unless it’s a medical emergency or you need essential items like food and medication. In this moment watching the news and listening to my world as I knew it be completely changed. I was scared to leave my house, see other people, & even go over to family’s house. We hunkered down and began quarantine at home. Not long after that my boyfriend was ordered to work from home. This sent me into a bit more of a panic fear state. I said “oh my gosh this is real and its bad”. Now we are home and glued to the news and anything that will give us real answers to what is going on (as more fake news was being pushed out than ever before). On top of this pandemic happening, we were also in a presidential election year that was extremely messy. Donald Trump was trying to get a second term running against Joe Biden. That was just the beginning of what the next seven months would bring. People in this world at this point were buying out things in all grocery stores. The most simple everyday use items were no where to be found. In Michigan, the top sold out items were toilet paper, paper towels, any disinfectant wipes, spray, or soaps. Our stores had people with shopping carts just loaded with these items in a panic state due the pandemic. All of our restaurants, bars, retail stores, places of employment, schools, gyms and so much more we all closed. It was a ghost town in our fast moving world and it hasn’t been the same since.

Day after day we watched as our president and local governor (which were often saying complete opposite things) tell us nothing but stay home, avoid any gatherings, wear masks and gloves everywhere. We even at one point in the lockdown were not allowed to drive 3 hours north to our own cabin. It was so hard to process what was happening and no one not even doctors or scientists had any real proven insight on how to fix this or what it really was. In the beginning it was we just need a few weeks to flatten the curve as they referred to it. Many people have died at this point due to the virus and with no end in sight I found myself sinking into a dark place I just crawled out of before the pandemic hit. My anxiety at this point is out of control and I could feel the fear inside me every second of everyday. I realized this is bad, really bad.

We had to make the best out of the worst. We found ways to live a safe and somewhat normal life all summer. We kayaked, skated, played pickle ball, took lots of walks, rode our bikes, had dinner nights at the parks outside so we can see our friends safely and did so many home repairs and upgrades. With not being able to leave home or travel we realized how much our home needed love and attention. We were doing pretty good mentally and physically until November came. I live in Michigan and from November to March its like living at the north pole. Haha, winter is cold and snowy so our new way of life needed another new way of life. This was mentally exhausting. I am ok staying home and being alone but Chris is an active social butterfly. He craves human interaction and hanging out doing active things with his friends. Winter was going to be his biggest challenge.

Chris spent a ton of time up at the cabin remodeling and doing things that needed to be done that we always put off because we only had weekends there, and we wanna have fun over the weekend and not work. We put a new metal roof on it, redid the whole upstairs wood ceiling, new carpet, and all new furniture! Plus, spent time with his parents as they couldn’t travel to Florida this year due to the virus. I used the cabin during the pandemic as a vacation from tv, news, social media, and all the negative in the world. A few days away from all of that was so soothing to my anxiety. I felt normal there and carefree. For a person with anxiety, normal and carefree days do not come easy or often.

Two years ago I lost my Grandma June. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through. Her death and everything leading up to it really shook me up in a bad way. My anxiety was the worst its ever been. I began to feel physical feelings from my anxiety. I was cold, nauseous, crying, and not wanting to get out of bed. I had to stop singing live with my band and to be honest I quit singing all together. Music and singing no longer brought me joy…. That was the hardest thing about it because anytime I was sad I could put on some music and start singing and that would bring me back to a happy place. During quarantine I decided to do some soul searching and try to overcome this dark hole I’d been living in for over a year. Medication was not an option as I have bad reactions to it. I had to actually devote myself to healing in a different natural way. I ordered workbooks and spent almost 15 weeks working through the chapters and doing the weekly assignments and practices they were providing me. I dealt with a lot of things in my past that I never shared with the people who were apart of it. I basically released all that pain and built up hate that I had inside of me. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes but hearing how your mistakes affected others makes you see it for what it is and try to make it right. I told each person in my life who caused me deep pain how I felt and how they made me feel. That alone lifted 70 pounds off my shoulders and my heart. The other 30 pounds were surrounding my grandma’s death and my guilt and anxiety over that. I dug deep and got to the root of my problem and began to work through it. After 11 months of not picking up my microphone, I finally sang karaoke at home. I cried as I sang and they were happy tears but sad too. I thought, man I missed this, but in the back of my head I only saw grandma home alone. That’s when I realized where my anxiety when singing came from all of a sudden. I was never shy or scared to perform live I used to crave it and the rush you get. But, as grandma got worse and was bed bound, we were all out at the band shows and no one was there caring for her. I thought what if something happens or she needs help or doesn’t want to be alone. That made me feel anxious, sad and guilty. So, for me I had to quit. It was hard but I knew I couldn’t continue putting myself through the panic attacks and physical sickness this was causing me. My last live performance was November 2019.

We are coming up to thanksgiving 2020 now and this holiday is usually spent cooking for the family and everyone coming over to hang out, play games and eat till we sleep. Then the girls go out black Friday shopping. This year with the pandemic everyone spent the day separated and alone. Chris and I stayed home and cooked a huge dinner and spent our day playing games and making the best of it. In my 38 years of life I have never spent thanksgiving away from my family. We did video chat with everyone but it just wasn’t the same. Christmas was the same too. We did a mini Christmas with the family in the garage socially distanced. On Christmas day it was just Chris and I again but we had an amazing day together. We went overboard on gifts for one another this year just because. It was a ton of fun considering the circumstances our world was in. Same with new years ever. This year was a year of self love and learning for me. I spent alot of time trying to better my mind and body. I know that it will get better soon.

January 2021… We have a new president and world is a mess…! Between politics and the pandemic I’d say so far 2021 seems like 2020 all over again. However some good did happen! I started singing again and the band is back together!!!!!!! This was huge to me. It took a lot of work and pain to get back to the place I am now. I feel better and I am ready to keep this positive feeling I have inside. I still live life with extreme caution due to the virus but little by little things are getting easier and less scary. I hope this world can get back to some type of normal sooner then later but until that day comes Positive thoughts and actions are all I can do.