Anxiety. Its something we all deal with in our lives at some point. For others like me its a daily struggle. I started to know something was wrong around the age of 19. I began to have these extreme chest pains and it was like I was having a heart attack. At this time in our world back in 2001 anxiety wasn’t something that was talked about or known about as much as it is now in 2020. So here i am 19 years old thinking im having a heart attack and im going to die. I went to the hospital right away and was hooked up to a heart monitor and spent several hours laying there scared to death. After many hours they tell me at the age of 19 i have a heart condition called angina. Ok so that is a lot to take in at a young age and figure out what it all means. So i start the process of learning and dealing with angina. Well as years go by im now 25 and chest pains are more often and painful to the point of i have to drop to the floor every time i have them and stretch out my left arm for a good 25 minutes. This could be anywhere. It happened at home, work, family and friends houses. Very embarrassing to deal with. Then i started to get these chest pains almost weekly and anytime we would go places ive never been. So its back to the emergency room for me. This time after all the same tests and heart monitoring i now have to be put on heart medication. Im thinking to myself this cannot be happening to me right now. I am 25 years old and on heart medication. All i could do was worry and cry to myself because i could not show that i was struggling inside.

I started to learn to deal with these pains and keep myself away from new places and things that caused me to feel this way. So I stayed away from all social events with people I didn’t know and places I wasn’t familiar with. I started to analyze every situation and idea that anyone presented to me. I would say where is it? Who will be there? What is being served? What is everyone wearing? Is it going to be to crowded? Will I have to talk to people? All these thoughts went into every place, person, or thing I did. Its exhausting. I would go to places planning on having a good time, then boom all of a sudden I felt a tight chest, extreme pain, and the urge to get home to bed because I didn’t feel good. This went on for almost 12 years.

Now at the age of 32 the year is 2014. I’m now dealing with this for many years and I’ve missed out on so many opportunities, quit many jobs, was feeling lost within myself. I wasn’t sure who I was or who I was supposed to be. I have worked many jobs. I waited tables, retail management, bank teller, nanny, spa manager, gym manager and so much more. But I still have not found my true happiness. Why? I know in my head I am smart and capable of being successful but something inside me holds me back and tells me I’m not good enough and that no matter what I do I will be judged for who I am. So now I start to question everything and everyone around me. Am I good enough? Do they like me? Will they want to be around me? Do they love me? All these negative thoughts run through my brain every moment of every day. I am now mainly alone at home and like a hermit crab hiding in my protective shell. I start to question even my own thoughts. That’s when I got scared. I decided it was time to talk to my primary care doctor and get more answers.

After my first visit to my primary care doctor he had mentioned anxiety. I said what’s that? He then explained to me about anxiety and panic attacks and the way it made people react and feel. I felt like he was reading a book about me to me. I was like WOW! So that brought on a whole new form of treatment and research. I started taking Zoloft daily for anxiety. Ok I thought a daily pill for the rest of my life to feel “NORMAL”. That was a bit scary but after all I have been through to this point I said I am willing to try anything to not feel scared and worried. So after 4 weeks on the Zoloft all I felt was tired. I felt like I was moving around like a lost zombie on another planet. So now i’m starting to question this medication. I wanted to feel normal and this wasn’t normal. So back to my primary care doctor I go. This time we are going to try Wellbutrin. So in my head I’m thinking this one will be the one. Nope guess again this time I started throwing up after taking the medication. So now Im at the point of ” This is never going to get better” putting me in a deeper state of anxiety and depression.

Round three of visiting my primary care doctor and we try Xanax at an extreme low dose. Finally I found something that helped and made me feel good again. So I started taking them as needed and things started to get better for me. So I started to live life a bit more and have more fun. I joined a band and was performing every other weekend live and having so much fun. Then I experienced my first panic attack. It was on a vacation in Las Vegas with 6 of our closest friends. People I felt comfortable around and spent most of my time with. We went to the pool at a friends hotel. I was excited. I got up, got dressed, packed my bag for the day and was ready to go. We arrive at the pool grab a drink inside before we meet up with our friends. Everything was going as planned for the day. So we meet up with our friends and head into the pool. We start walking to the lounge chairs we are going to use. I put my towel down and immediately know i need to get away and out of there. I couldn’t breathe and I was crying. I felt like I was going to pass out. I walk back in the hotel and head to the bathroom to calm myself but nothing was working. I was in full panic attack and I had no idea what was happening to me and why. So I gather myself and my things and head back to my hotel. I get to my room take a Xanax and rest. I’ve never felt anything like I did that day. This was a whole new chapter on anxiety for me.

I dealt with this a few more times over the next few years. I stayed on my Xanax low dose as needed and I was handling things. So I thought. Then one night at a band gig everything changed. My anxiety went to a whole new level and at the time i didn’t know what was happening to me. I was at the venue and the place was filling in with family and friends to watch me perform. We were 30 minutes from showtime and I’m in the bathroom throwing up, shaking, sweating. In my mind I’m thinking what is going on. There was no way I could take the stage in the condition I was in. This was in February 2019. So after that night I swore I must have had food poisoning from earlier that day because I woke up the next day felling better. So it wasn’t the flu. It had to be something I ate. So not thinking of it the year went on and we did many gigs. Two days before a show id start to feel flu sick again. So I then came to realize that my anxiety is now affecting the one thing I love to do, SING! I started to dread shows and even practice because it made me feel sick inside, I would lay on the couch for hours feeling nauseous and tired and I cried….. a lot. So I then start to feel like maybe I need to reach out and get even further deeper in touch and try to fix this version of anxiety. So I see a therapist. Well lets just say my first trip was my last trip. It was so emotionally draining and way to much to fast. So a friend recommends a psychologist. I thought to myself ok why not give it a shot. Maybe it will be what I need to feel this ‘NORMAL’ I’ve been searching for again! So I drive 2 hours away to meet this doctor and it was a very nice visit and very informative. He told me things I never heard before. I left there feeling hopeful once again. He prescribed me three different medications and in low doses. I remember it was a Sunday night around 7pm. I took the first pill. I am always hesitant on medication as I have strong reactions to them. I cannot even take pain medication stronger then Motrin without getting sick. So after 40 minutes or so I start to feel off. I text my significant other telling him I feel strange. He returns home to find me in a zombie state with my hands and feet shaking out of control. I was yet again having a bad reaction to medication. So I say to myself this isn’t worth it at all. So back to only Xanax as needed. I continued on this path for a year when I finally realized I need to step back and take care of myself. So I made a hard decision to leave the family band. My band mates were all angry and upset. I cant blame them for that. But I knew in my heart I had to take a break and find my level of peace. I lost my love for performing, singing, and practice. That was a hard realization to swallow. Especially when people tell you how good you are and the band was thriving at this point. We built up a big following of fans and we we were getting booked at big name bars making pretty good cash. Even though all that was happening, all I wanted to do was stay home in my bed.

Now Its March 2020. Now I enter a whole new world of anxiety with the covid-19 pandemic. All I hear is fear and sadness all around me. We are locked in the house and everything is shut down. Thousands of people are dying fast and the whole world is turned upside down. Even going to the grocery store feels like I’m jumping to my own death in my mind at this point. I am scared to leave the house, see family and friends, or even touch something. My anxiety went to level 100 at this point. I am now finding myself glued to the news and feeding my own brain all this negative information and stories. Not to mention this is an election year so lets add politics to the pandemic to make it extra nuts. I struggled a lot from March to August. I had moments where I even thought to myself “Is this world worth this pain I feel?” I cried, I had multiple panic attacks, I thought that i was going to be in a dark place forever. Then my significant other had a back injury which left him on bed rest mode for 6 weeks. That lit a spark inside me. I went into survival mode. I blocked all my feelings off in order to care for him. I made myself so busy and so tired that I didn’t think about my anxiety. I was running away from myself by taking care of him. It felt good to be needed and appreciated. Sometimes in my head I feel I’m not loved or wanted by family and friends. So this felt good. I then seen myself slipping again back to that dark place as he started to feel better and no longer needed me as much. Well that brings us to today October 6, 2020.

We are still in the pandemic and yes its getting better all over the world. For me I have opened a new chapter in my anxiety journey and started CBT, which stands for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I am 5 weeks in to my therapy now and so far it is helping me understand a lot about myself and my thoughts. It makes you think about the emotions and thoughts behind all the fear and negative feelings the anxious brain feels daily. I cant say ill be 100% after this but I can say it has helped me move forward with a better understanding of my thoughts, who I am, and who I want to be going forward. It has also taught me that removing the negative people, things, and places from my life will make me a more happy positive person. Trying to not ask myself all the what if questions before going somewhere and remembering that everything I do I control how I feel. So I hope to keep on this path of self discovery and to try to live my life full of positivity and hope for the future. Many people do not understand the anxious mind and how it works, myself included. All I can do is love myself and be true to how I’m feeling and remain in a positive environment that I can grow from. My anxiety journey is not over by far, but I do know I am finally on the right path to feeling better and understanding myself.